Competent AND Confident: Stepping into my Power

New Beginnings in Marblehead, MA

I just came back from a weekend studying with renowned herbalist Margi Flint. I stayed at her house. This was my first experience sitting ‘at the knee’ of an herbal elder and acting as an apprentice. We spent many hours talking, sharing stories and feelings, and getting to know each other. I had been looking forward to this for months, but in truth I had been waiting for years for an opportunity like this.

I won’t use this time to share all of what I learned as an herbalist/ practitioner; there is way too much to unpack. 

What I took away from my time there in Marblehead, MA, was something that I’ve heard over and over again for the last five years. From my therapist, friends, family, and which I now realize is so prevalent that this is one of the major takeaways when people get to know me on a personal level. 

I sound incompetent. 

I present as small. 

I seem insecure, inept, and weak. 

Let me be clear- I am none of those things. 

But this is how I come across these days. And the reason is because of the words I choose.

As I drove the eight hours back home to Maryland (through a winter storm), I reflected on the note Margi wrote to me in the book I purchased from her: “Words are powerful”. I have heard people tell me this for years, and I know this is true. But I haven’t taken it seriously when I’ve been given this advice. It bothered me that from all of our time together, what stuck with her was how negative I sound. Not that I’m funny, knowledgeable, in touch with the herbs. In the end, I sound like a loser. 

And then out of the blue, my mother (who has no idea about any of this) sent me an email with a link to an article about considering the words we choose when talking to our children, and using words to teach them to feel empowered. For some reason NOW it clicked. 

I’m done. 

I have been an adult for the last twenty-five years, and I suddenly realized I have spent the majority of that time in self-deprecation, apologizing unnecessarily, making myself small, unable to take compliments…I’m sure you get the idea. 

Part of this was the way I was raised. Humility was a value on which my family placed considerable worth. Downplaying accomplishments, gifts, and natural ability was the norm. Anything else was considered egotistical or cocky. Perhaps there is a way to learn this healthy balance between cockiness and confidence, but I guess I missed the ball on that one. Anytime I felt pretty, or did well on a project, or scored a point in a game, I felt guilty and downplayed it, or I told people it was just luck.

The last five years have been especially hard because starting a new career and building a business(es) from scratch have been full of ups and downs that feel mostly like downs in the big picture. I noticed my smallness and apologizing had gotten much worse. Asking permission for silly things, like ‘Is it OK to put my bag here? Do you mind if I ask a question?'

But the fluctuations of clients, scraping by teaching random herb and yoga classes, hit-or-misses at farmers markets…these can really put a dent in one’s self-esteem, especially when it is fragile to begin with. 

And now. I’m done.

As I sat in the bathtub after driving home from Margi’s, I decided- fuck that. 

The past twenty-five years of apologies for having babies too early, for failing relationships, for not being enough or having enough, or, on the other end, being too much. Unnecessary. And you know what? What I viewed as being authentic or humble is not what people are actually seeing. 

I look weak and pathetic. And I’m not. 

These next twenty-five years, I will be stepping into my power. 

And if people don’t like it, well, there's the door.

Because I AM awesome. I have done and do a lot of things. Reiki Master. Herbalist. Teacher. Yogi. Forager. Medicine Maker. Mother. Wife. Daughter. Friend. I’m cool as shit! 

I AM intelligent. I’m tired of playing the archetype of ‘the silly one’ or allowing others to portray me that way.

I AM beautiful. Inside AND out. I have no control over genetics. I’m tired of having to brush off compliments or divert attention onto my flaws when someone tells me I’m pretty. 

I AM a good herbalist. I don’t know why I let this imposter syndrome run my life. I have a graduate degree in herbalism! I’ve been studying this for over a decade! While I would never claim to know it all, I sure do know my stuff. 

These are my powers and I'm choosing to use them.

I’m tired of overthinking, overanalyzing, and underserving myself. I’m forty-two, accomplished, and I’m stepping into my power. Reclaiming myself and finding my worth and value and holding the line. 

I’m releasing the fear of not being enough and letting others down. These are lies I’ve lived with and I am choosing to let them go. For me, but more importantly for my daughter. I worry that I have been modeling the wrong behavior for far too long, but that era has ended. 

There is a new Amy coming this year. Empowered. Assured. Unapologetic.

And still authentic. Still kind. Still compassionate and empathetic.

I’m changing the game this year, and negative self-talk is out the door. Focusing on failures is done. 

The old way wasn’t working. 

Let’s see what stepping into my power looks like. 

mic drop